April 1998
Issue 001COVER
The Return of a Legend
What the Hell Is This Thing??!!COMMENTARY
How it all began.
Clinton versus PalmerCOMMENTARY
An eerie coincidence? I don't think so.
Homer Did ItNEWS
Home denies he did it, surprise, surprise.
Rage Against the MediaCOMMENTARY
The media blames the public for the media's faults.
Apple: It's Own Worst Enemy?COMMENTARY
After years of loses and controversy, suddenly Apple's Wall Street's darling.
Giant Alien Maytag Cuts FingerNEWS
David Van Wagner stitched.
Publisher Hangs Himself!NEWS
Read how the publisher of the Havoc killed himself back in 1991.
World Cup 94 ReportNEWS
With World Cup 98 nearly upon us, this ancient report is curiously appropriate again.
The Guilt-free Drink for LiberalsADVERTISEMENT
The Ultimate Refreshment.
Giant Alien Maytag Cuts Finger
by
SAN JOSE: Mt. Hermon resident Dave Van Wagner was attacked by a giant alien creature said by some to resemble a large washing machine.The creature left Dave's finger hanging on only by a few shreads of skin and had to be sew back on by emergency room technicians.
Immediately after the attack the alien vanished, leaving a malfunctioning washing machine behind. Authorities are clueless as to why the alien chose to disguise itself as a washing machine.
"Perhaps it was trying to inflitrate our defense system," said one FBI agent. "Who would suspect a washing machine?"
Van Wagner had no comment regarding the ordeal.
